Believe me I Know

Let’s talk about boldness.

About being out here in the world clueless…

Yet determined to preserve the big bold girl facade.

Its the only way. If I’m being honest.

Because the slightest sign of fragility will get you broken.

The moment you’re not a threat you’re prey.

And the hunt is crazy wild.

Now, let’s talk about having no one to lean on.

And the instruction to ask for help whenever you need it…

But how about this testimony;

Of a time when I asked and no one was willing to help

A sad smile here and a sad smile there

Sympathy.

It’s all I got from people that could’ve helped if they had wanted to.

But I was not miserable enough.

I was not broken enough.

I  had not starved yet.

I was yet to be locked out of my house.

That is what it takes around here.

Finally let’s talk about rock bottom

Let’s talk about the turn up when you’ve finally hang yourself because of the misery.

When you’ve finally succumbed to depression and are now an addict.

When you’re starving and thin.

Let’s talk about when you’re finally living with relatives and friends because you couldn’t pay rent.

About how the assistance you need right now is so much more…

About how it was not what you bargained for in the first place.

About how that very sympathy now turns to criticism

“Why couldn’t she just ask for help?”

But she did.

She just wasn’t ‘broken premium.’

She asked for help boldly

But the only way to get help around here is when you’re begging

You do not deserve help if you think you need help…

You only deserve help when you’re helpless and  devastated.

Only when it has become an embarrassment.

I know I said finally

But let’s conclude with the Shame.

The shame that comes after exposing your problems and getting no assistance

The shame of unrequited vulnerability

Of how you can be naked in all possible ways because you boldly asked for help

The shame of seeing those you asked look at your nakedness and do nothing about it

The shame of being all alone with nothing to cover up

And the pain of knowing you knew better.

You could’ve capped the pain.

You could’ve soldiered on boldly.

Like nothing was wrong.

You could’ve suffered silently.

A silent  misery with no shame.

Anyway… Our time is up

Otherwise we could’ve talked about giving your everything and getting nothing back.

But we’ll get to that another time…

As of now, remain bold

Keep on the facade

Bending to the misery will only break you.

And dropping the facade will only leave you naked.

Miserable and naked?

Definitely not a place you want to get to

Believe me. I know.